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Most ordinary mortals need help when choosing a bottle of wine for dinner. After all, the retail shelf just holds too many bottles to sample personally, not to mention afford to open. Most of us depend upon our friends and wine writers to guide us, or at least narrow the field. There may even exist a few folks who take winery newsletters seriously! Before placing this trust in others, however, it is often necessary to kink your high school English just to be able to understand what the author really had in mind (if anything).
Well, it's not really all that hard. We'll show you how to describe wines like a pro. Simply choose an adverb from column one, an adjective from column two, and a noun from column three and string them together. Your computer can randomly select the numbers for you, such as 7-4-9. It's also perfectly legitimate to mix and match with your eyes closed, or spill a little Zinfandel on the page, fold it over and make your own Rorschach. They'll think you're a genius!
| ADVERBS 1-entropically 2-wistfully 3-steadfastly 4-magnificently 5-deceptively 6-insistently 7-harmoniously 8-uncannily 9-exuberantly |
ADJECTIVES 1-correct 2-picayune 3-plaintive 4-petulant 5-cloying 6-piquant 7-redolent 8-lascivious 9-voluptuous |
NOUNS 1-perfume 2-angularity 3-roundness 4-profundity 5-insouciance 6-decorum 7-corpulence 8-splendor 9-delicacy |
For example, "May we serve you our Olos d'Or Plise Chardonnay? It displays a deceptively picayune corpulence." When you're really reaching, simply run it through twice: "Our new Castello Gusano Grosso Rosso exhibits an entropically plaintive insouciance without sacrificing its wisffully lascivious decorum." For a small subscription fee, we'll be happy to send periodic updates when you have exhausted the 729 permutations. We also offer specialized lists for surfers, doctors, sports announcers, and corporate ladderpersons, all of whom seem to have developed their own perverse dialectic wrinkles upon the Mother Tongue. We tried to create one for lawyers, too, but it didn't make any sense when we read it.
Salamandre Wine Cellars
108 Don Carlos Drive
Aptos, CA 95003
Telephone (408) 685-0321.
Salamandre's families make distinctive Chardonnay, Merlot and
small lots of exceptional local varietals.
They host several open houses each season. Please call for
information and directions.
"A CONSUMER FRIENDLY GUIDE TO WINE ELOQUENCE"
Copyright ©1997 Salamandre Cellers
Santa Cruz Mountains
Aptos, California, U.S.A.Copyright ©1996-2003 ThomasLand Partners
San Jose, California, U.S.A.
Last updated: 17-Feb-2003 01:50 PM
